Year of Random Musings
by iAMwhatIamK
Summary: A years worth of thoughts and tidbits straight from my mind.
1. Prolouge

Hi world, Ami here. So I decided I'd try something new this year, and we will see how this goes in the long run. Anyway, I've decided to do a 356 day challenge, writing a tiny bit every day. The following content will be posted weekly, and segments will be based on whatever pops into my mind first. Any further questions, ask me. If you wish to join me in my endeavors, I'll send you a link to the challenge. Catch ya later.


	2. Week 1: January 1-3

**January 1 – Suitably Warm**

Warm cups of chai tea and well-worn in sweaters

Gentle snow falling and piles of thick books

Fireplace crackling here by my side

This is a list of my fave winter things!

* * *

**January 2 – Candy Apple Red **

Foam curlers and pjs, innocence and giggles, candy apple red Lip Smackers painted on like divas (or clowns), simple days of childhood, lost too soon…

* * *

**January 3 – I Didn't Go There**

Dark, empty, malleable…

Deeper and deeper…

Winding, never ending…

Deeper into the black

Where all disappears…

Feeling…pain…life…

I didn't go there…

…not really…


	3. Week 2: January 4-10

**January 4 – Why Didn't It Happen to Me?**

Make it come out, it's too much, too much to bear

Need it out now

Desperate

Tear, rip, pain, sweet relief, grief, embarrassed, angry, pain

Never ending cycle

Needle pricks, razor dance, drug embraces, scars and scabs

Why this? I ask, looking at tangles of hair and bald patches,

Why this and not those?

* * *

**January 5 – Shreds of Doubt**

Trust, something precious, meant for those close to your heart and soul, something to be treasured

Something so easily broken, shattered like glass, hurting the giver like a twisted knife

Something not easily fixed, years of cautious glances and shallow relationships

Never again, you say, never again

For who can heal a broken heart, beaten and brusied?

* * *

**January 6 – Can't Be**

Babies don't die

Grandmas and Grandpas do, the old people at church

They die, not babies

Babies don't wear wires

Wires belong in toys or robots

They're not alive, not babies

Babies don't live at hospitals

At first, yes, but not years after

Newborns, not babies

So why are you there, people crying all around?

All the machines not making sounds?

And you are there, so still?

You can't be gone, right?

You're just a baby…

* * *

**January 7 – Where Will It Be Found?**

In a mother's eyes

A father's pride

The compassion of children

The embrace of lovers

The slow dance of the old

The giddy laughter of the young

The scarred hands of the Savior

Love…where is it found?

* * *

**January 8 – Three Reasons**

1\. To safe myself from heartbreak

2\. To show him that he was worth the wait

3\. Because my Father wants the best for me

* * *

**January 9 – Chance**

Leave it up to chance, people say. Fate. Destiny. Chance. Call it what you will, but it's getting me nowhere fast. Lady Luck's never been a friend of mine. Good thing I've got a better friend, huh? Thing is though, it's had to let it all go to Him. I know He's got my heart in His hand, and loves me beyond belief, but it's hard to give up 'control'. It feels like I'm leaving up to chance…

* * *

**January 10 – Essence of Living**

To be living, but am I alive? Wake up, go to work, serve others, come home, eat, sleep, repeat. Where's the thrill, the purpose? When did life become routine? Like something I drift through, a random witness in an endless ocean. Am I alive, or just living?


	4. Week 3: January 11-17

**January 11 – Black Horse**

Hungry, the beast paws at the ground, stirring the dust at its feet. The rider clucks its tongue, unconcerned. Exhaling, shifting anxiously, staring with contempt at the wisps of dry foliage clinging to the unforgiving earth. The beast lets out an angry whinny.

"Peace," the rider says, patting his beast, raising his head. "Our work is done here." He digs his heels into the creature's side.

And the third horseman's left desolation in his wake.

* * *

**January 12 – Heartstrings**

Tell me a story; a tale of how a child watched the world lose its color. Blues, reds, and yellows, fading to gray, black, and white. A world without color, without life.

Tell me how the child cried; how their heart broke, not for the lack of color, but for the life it took with it-delicate butterfly wings, dark autumn woods, meadowed hills.

Tell me how those cries reached your ears. How your heart ached for the child in the colorless void of a world.

Tell me of when you reached down and whispered in that child's heart. Deep and comforting, words of truth spreading through them like life's blood, echoing in their soul.

Remind me what you told them; the words that stopped the tears and brought hope to life

"Not cry, dear one. This home is only temporary. Your true home will be painted with more color, more life, than you can fathom. And there will be no tears, no sadness. And you will never be alone again."

Write this tale, this promise, on my heart. Etch it in me for the hard days, the days I long for home, to remind me someplace better is coming.

* * *

**January 13 – Another Day**

(Inspired by 'Another Side, Another Story')

'Just one more day,' I whisper, feet slapping the rain soaked pavement

'One more day by your sides, like all those times before,

Laughter and talk about nothing, the sun painting the sky red.'

'Just another day,' I whisper, rain hitting my face

'One more day, keep on going, you'll reach the end soon

And when this quest is over, then things will be right again.'

At a different time, in a different life, we may have been friends

But now blades clash, glistening in rain and sparse light,

Souls, hoping, praying, for just another day

* * *

**January 14 – The Color Yellow**

(to the tune of 'Pop goes the Weasel'; inspired by Chica from 'Five Nights at Freddy's' Series)

'Round the corner, down the hall

Here I come to get you

And when you think you're finally safe

BOO! A killer dressed in yellow

* * *

**January 15 – Eyes That Can't See**

You look at a girl

Smile on her face

Jump in her step

Never seeing beneath the mask

To a spirit, broken,

Tired of fighting

Playing a part to hide from the world

No, you don't see it

You think she has is together

That she's fine

So you push her down

Stab her with words and glares

Ignore the scars and beat the broken

If only your eyes could see

* * *

**January 16 – Renovate**

Abba, you see the beauty in my broken soul

You knit me together, hold me in your hand

You see the magnificence in the mess of my existence

Elyon, create in me a new fire

One that burns away the chaff

Purify me until I reflect your brilliance

And comfort me, El Shaddai,

As we fight to win this battle

* * *

**January 17 – Chocolate**

My drug of choice

So much goodness

Excellent with pretzels, fruit, peanut butter, or alone

Preferred as Reese's, Thin Mints…

Excuse me, I need some NOW!


	5. Week 4: January 18-24

**January 18 – Wild Child**

I won't take your crap

You have an issue, tell me,

I'll set you straight

Break the standards,

Some rules along the way

Kiss a stranger, drive 'til the road ends

Live on edge, with abandon

Taking life as it comes

Fall in love in a day

I'm a wild child

At least in my mind

* * *

**January 19 – Driving North**

Weaving through mountain foothills

Past small farms and towns you'd miss if you blink

Cows outnumbering people

Snowmobile crossing signs

Broken down homes that have seen better days

Down a long drive, turn right, and my heart soars

Dirt road, lined with wooden buildings like the Wild West

Hill crested with a picturesque white church

Echoes of laughter and friendships forged in trials

I'm here, my home away from home

* * *

**January 20 – China**

"Careful," the woman whispers.

The child watches, frozen in place, as the infant is placed in their lap. The living china-doll replica sleeps, lips moving quietly, little fists curled. Eyes wide, the child holds their new sibling as the parents watch smiling. Something shifts in the young mind. A love, a responsibility, blossoms.

In a voice, hardly above a whisper, the child says, "No matter what, I will always love you, protect you, be there for you. Never forget that."

The babe sighs in their sleep, bringing a smile to the child's face.

* * *

**January 21 – It's time to DANCE**

Empty house, crank those tunes

Sing as loud and off key as you want

Spin and jam like you don't care

It's your time; time to rock it out!

* * *

**January 22 – Don't Laugh**

Abstinence

That word's a joke, right?

I mean, who does that?

Who really cares about that anymore?

Believe it or not, I do

Yup, hard to believe

But here's the thing

At any point, I become like you,

But you can never become like me

* * *

**January 23 – Rosemary**

Simple beauty

Delicate, natural

Softly adding color to the world

* * *

**January 24 – Something New**

Emeralds stare into amethysts

Eyes shift, heat rises to her face

As he brushes hair from her pale face

Familiar smirk laced with uncertainty

This is new for them both, after all

Feeling, affection, love

Neither speak, savoring, hiding in the silence

While their eyes speak untold volumes

Slowly, he backs away, leaving her

She's not…their not…quite ready for this

But he's patient, and heaven knows she is

It's only a matter of time


	6. Week 5: January 25-31

**January 25 – Pyramid**

The young woman stands alone, the night's cold air whipping thorough her ebony locks. It'd be wise for her to wrap a shawl around her shoulders, to return to the warmth of the palace behind her, but she ignores that wisdom.

Slipping off her sandals, she moves from the cool stone of the steps to the quiet warm of the sand. Digging her toes in, she smiles faintly, remembering back to the days she used to play in the desert sand as a child.

Children are sometimes forced to grow up. Being a maid of noble decent, she had been forced to marry at a young age. Her bridegroom, years older than herself, took her hand out of courtesy of tradition. She was too young to bear him children; the concubines were the ones to share the warmth of his bed at night.

And so, no legitimate heir had been born. The sun had set on his time, far too early in some's eyes, a life lost before it could begin.

"Highness," a voice murmured from behind. The woman turned, facing the girl whom she had learned to call friend during the lonely hours she'd been forced to stay in the regal prison. "They are ready for you now."

The woman nodded solemnly. She had been his bride; not his favorite, not even his love, but it was her duty to follow him to the grave.

The servant girl choked back tears as she followed her mistress down alabaster halls to the twin guards which would take her to the embalming chamber.

* * *

**January 26 - Alone at Night**

Now I lie here, wide awake

Storm winds blow, my heart, it aches

Tears are rolling down face

Prayers are muttered in blubbered grace

Silence grips me, tears my skin

Abba, Father, help me again

I struggle so in this game of life

In trusting you, I fight with strife

For control of something as firm as sand

Slipping quickly from my hand

Why can't I give you all of me

Instead of falling ceaselessly on my knees

Forgive me for my faults and sins

Daddy, please, renew me again

Thank you for your endless grace

I whisper with a tear stained face

As now you lay me down to sleep

My precious soul is yours to keep

* * *

**January 27 – Many Pages**

A blank notebook. Some cheap thing you can pick up at the store for 50 cents. It's nothing really. But from the look in her eyes, I just gave her the world. Ideas flit across those green orbs, the possibilities are endless. Will this wire bound blessing be a trove for doodles, or a guardian of carefully thought out sentences?

She wraps her thin arms around me, a string of 'thank you's race from her mouth. She quickly gathers her new treasures, disappearing into the recesses of her room to a land of make believe to record its wonders on paper.

* * *

**January 28 – Floating**

The water is nearly still beneath me, lazily lapping at my tanned legs and board. The sun beats down on me as I wait for my next challenge.

It's the waiting that the hardest. The anticipation, the seemingly aimless floating in the vast cerulean deep rolling beneath, feeling that energy gathering, nearly driving you to the brink of insanity before it breaks.

A swell of water a short length away, and I paddle for all I'm worth with a smile on my face. Time for another ride.

* * *

**January 29 – Wood**

It's hot as heck. Why am I here again? Oh, right. To look at some dead trees from millions of years ago in the middle of the desert. Who deemed that as being fun again?

Curse this desert sun, I think venomously as I swig down the contents of my water bottle for the third time today; and it isn't even noon yet.

Speaking of venomous, look out for snakes. You know, the ones with rattles on the end of their tails. Yeah, those live here, and just love hiding in those nooks and crannies these dead trees have been arranged in to form. So have fun with that.

We pull into the parking lot for one of the entrance/welcoming areas for this place and pile out of the car. The heat hits like a freaking steamroller (can you tell I hate hot weather yet?) and I instantly want to retreat to what's left of the sweet God given gift of air condition that hasn't been pulled from the truck just yet. But the doors shut and lock before I can make my retreat. Well, off we go.

Off to the side of the building we're supposedly going to, there's this huge hunk of what seems to be granite. However, it's all flat on top, not lumpy like I've seen granite before. Curiousity killing the cat within, I walk over to the hunk of stone, noticing small metallic glitters on the surface. Cocking my head, a weird I developed when I was younger, I realize these tiny metal plates mark points in time. This hunk of rock is a circular timeline.

I trace the multicolored rings with my fingers. Some are wider than others, some disappear into the mix, eaten by wider bands. I smile to myself. Ok, this is kinda cool. I mean, I've seen tree rings before; I live in the woods. But to see something this massive, its diameter easily over six feet, and realize just how long this thing must have lived is mind-blowing.

I hear my name being called, and reluctantly, I pull away from the petrified wood. Maybe this won't be as dull as I thought.

* * *

**January 30 – Something Witnessed**

The first time that we met you

I brushed it off as nothing

I'd been here before, knew how this worked

Three days and then no more

But something was different

Though I didn't know what

When he greeted you and them

A certain gravity filled the air

"I'm Dustin." "Hi, I'm Jen."

The days, they seemed different

As well hung out with you all

The games were better

We laughed much harder

We got nearly won (if but a few inches more)

And so when we exchanged those last good byes

And we smirked as you exchanged numbers

I wished I had known at that time

I'd just watched you fall in love

(Inspired by how my 'sister' met her now husband. They have been happily married for nearly 3 years, with their first baby on the way.)

* * *

**January 31- On a Hill**

Lullaby on the wind

Safe in the deepest recesses of my mind

Your sweet voice forever echoing


	7. Week 6: February 1-7

**February 1 – Find the Solution**

Math. Some people get it, I don't. Sure, the simple stuff, adding, subtracting, that stuff I understand. Ever geometry I can get where that can be useful.

But can someone please tell me how solving math problems that have more letters than an English paper is supposed to help me in my future? And what's this about imaginary numbers? Who came up with that idea? Like, what is the point?

Kudos to you people that understand math and the language that is associated with it. All the power to you. I'll just be over here, being a derp. :D

* * *

**February 2 – It is Red**

"Daddy," a small voice called out of the darkness. "Daddy," it repeats, paired with gentle push and pulls at the sleeping lump's shoulder. "Wake up."

"Yang," a tired voice yawns. "What is it, baby girl?"

"Ruby's crying."

Sitting up, gruffly murmuring about he's getting to old for this, he follows his little girl back to the room she shares with her little sister. Sure enough, the toddler is crying.

"It's ok, Ruby," the little blonde says soothingly. "Daddy's here."

Silver, tear rimmed eyes look back at the father. "Mommy!" the toddler demands.

Pain pulls at the man's heart. "Mommy's not here, Ruby. Just Yang and Daddy."

"Mommy?" she whimpers again.

The father lifts the toddler from her crib, and motions for the older girl to take his free hand. Leading them back to his room, he tucks them into the cold, empty side of his bed.

"Are we having a sleep over, Daddy?" Yang asks, her father able to make out the tangled mess of blonde hair in the darkness.

"Something like that," he whispers, pulling open the closet. Her clothes are still there, even though it's been weeks. They still smell like her too. The knife of loss twists deeper into his heart as he reaches in and pulls out a well-worn item.

"Here we go," he says laying the red piece of fabric over his girls like a blanket.

"Mommy," Ruby whimpers, fisting the fabric in her tiny hands.

"That's right, baby. Mommy's cloak." Pulling the sheets back, he climbs into bed next to his girls.

The youngest quickly falls asleep, the scent of her mother calming whatever thoughts had plagued her sleep earlier. Content with the sound of deep breathing, the man starts to drift off.

"Daddy," the eldest whispers.

"Yes Yang."

"She isn't coming back, is she?"

He looks over the sleeping toddler to his other daughter, silent tears creating trails down her cheeks.

"No, baby girl," he whispers, hugging her and Ruby close. No she isn't.

(Based off of RWBY and the characters created by Monty Oum)

* * *

**February 3 – Something You Heard Your Friend Say**

_I love you_…

sometimes it's the simplest things that matter the most.

* * *

**February 4 – Trained to Do It**

Fear. That's all there is. Complete and utter fear.

The pleas for mercy have long since faded as the oxygen needed for such pointless words was cut off. Now it's just her eyes.

Soon, not even those will beg. I give her less than a minute. The struggle cut her time short.

I wasn't always like this, a killer, hungry for a taste only blood could satiate. No, they drove me here; their utter neglect and constant stabs at how I'm an imperfect human being, same as them.

A person's mind can only take so much until it reaches the point of no return.

I wasn't always like this. They conditioned me, trained me, to hate so completely.

I may have blood on my hands, but mine is on theirs.

(Inspired by a monologue I did WAY back when)

* * *

**February 5 – An Issue You Care About**

Hush little baby, don't you cry

Listen to this lullaby

Soon the pain will be all gone

Mommy wants to just move on

It's sad it has to be this way

Little eyes ne'er to see light of day

Soon you'll be safe in His arms

Far from this mean world and harm

So sorry, baby, safe inside

It's not your fault you have to die

* * *

**February 6 – Country Field**

Ignoring the sting off sharp blades of grass cutting at my exposed skin, and the vicious bites of mosquitos, I make my way up the hill. My pathetic excuse for a flashlight guides the way, though my eyes are well enough adjusted, I could probably see without it. Crickets chirp and brush bends beneath my footfalls as I walk to my spot- a pricker bush on the side of the hill. Smiling, I slide my body into the little alcove I've formed here over the weeks and lie on my back. Now all I do is wait.

Staff hunt: that glorious camp we play at camp were non-counseling staff members hide on the camp grounds until the kids find us or we scare the crap out of them. After all, what's the fun of hiding in the dark of night without helping some teenage boys find their inner soprano?

But this part is my favorite, the calm before it all. Just me, lying in this overgrown field, staring up into the vast night sky above. Clear nights are the best, when the deep blue leg of the Milky Way shows itself along with the usual cast of stars. So infinitely beautiful. It's simply amazing.

The piece is over quickly though. Soon the bell announces the beginning of the hunt, and for the next fifteen minutes we are hunted. Let the games begin.

* * *

**February 7 – Take It Away**

Heal the wound, leave the scar.

Is it too much to ask to take the scar too? The memory and the hurt connected to it? The burden on my soul?

It's there for a reason. But still, when I look at it, it still hurts…


	8. Week 7: February 8-14

**February 8 – It's Gigantic**

The butterfly effect.

The idea that something as small as an insect's wing beat can affect the weather half a world away.

Imagine the effect you have in the lives of the people around you. A simple smile, a kind word, could change a person's day. That person can then affect another person's behavior, and so on.

You have the potential to change the world with how you treat others. Don't waste that opportunity.

* * *

**February 9 – Very Subtle**

At first, I swore every detail would remain in my mind, etched in stone. How dare time wear at that rock, wearing away at those details! The sound of your laugh, your smell, how you felt when I held you. Why must time be so cruel? I lost you once. Why must I slowly lose these fleeting memories of you too?

* * *

**February 10 – Dreaming Again**

A young couple holding hands

Eyes full of stars

Mothers holding the hands of young children

Smiles devouring their tiny faces

The swell of a woman carrying life

Reassuring movement inside

Dreams of a future

I hope is not too far away

* * *

**February 11 – That's the Plan**

Life is spontaneous: making plans is stupid. At least, it sort of is. I mean, don't through caution to the wind. But what control does a drop of water have over a wave? Only the creator of the wave can control it. Just be prepared to hold on for the ride.

* * *

**February 12 – A Great Man**

Memories with you, short and fleeting, held on to desperately like oxygen. No longer the boy that spent time with some kids, putting up with our innocence and naivetés. Playing games of tag in shooter games, letting me lead the way in co-op games, answering endless questions about the men with the swords of light.

We aren't so young anymore. You traded the safety of shooting with the click of a remote to the pull of a trigger, desert wind in your face. Endless prayers protected you, brought you home safely when others did not, a sacrifice we will not forget.

And now love has claimed your heart. Years of hardship, saving yourself for her finally rewarded.

A role model, a hero. Words cannot express how happy I am to know you and the joy that overflows my soul as I wish you the best in your future.

(For my cousin, Kevin, truly one of my heroes. Thank you for your service to our country. And may your future with your soon to be bride be most joyous.)

* * *

**February 13 – Do Not Tell**

Promise not to tell a soul

Take it to the grave

But I've never been in love

Never been kisses before

Is it weird that I'm waiting?

A dream of walking to him

Dressed in white, smile bright

Swearing to be his always

And then sealing that promise

With my first real kiss

My future husband

The only man to know

What my lips feel like against his

His loving touch for only me to now

It'll be my new secret

* * *

**February 14 – A Gray Coat**

Snow beats against the poor soul's body, fighting the cold as best as their worn coat can bear. Tired eyes stare up at the spirals of white dancing above in mad flurries. The fight to survive is always the hardest during this season. When the promise of sun, of warmth, seem so distant, a dream fading into the recesses of the mind.

The sound of crunching snow reaches frozen over the eerie song of the white. Black coat that falls to their legs, scarf dancing in the wind. Eyes peering over their skinny form, filled with a sick mix of discomfort, uncertainty, and pity. A look to familiar; no help from them.

Curling further into themselves, the poor soul cries silently. Someday, this will be over. Someday, lasting help, lasting kindness, will come.


	9. Week 8: February 15-21

**February 15 – Revenge**

Hot, metallic, liquid life

Draining from a fear ridden face

Tongue grazing teeth

A beast completes the hunt

Who said you murder in cold blood?

* * *

**February 16 – Digging for Treasure**

A Garfield car toy

That was the coveted toy when we were younger

We only ever played with it in one place

The sandbox

That square beneath our playhouse

I swear to this day my sister ate half the contents of

That was it

One day, back before either of us could remember,

We buried the orange cat under the dirt

Days would pass, and we'd forget about him

Then months later, while we were digging

He'd turn up

We'd make a little city for him to rule

With roads and windowed homes

Then bury him again at the play time's end

For another treasured time

* * *

**February 17 – Dancing**

There are two types of people in the world: those that can dance, and those who look like discombobulated idiots on a dance floor. I'm one of the latter. I'm only a slightly better dancer than the Duke of Weaseltown in 'Frozen' (and no, I'm not exaggerating).

But I like to dance. Sure, my siblings are quick to remind me that I look like a buffoon every time I do, but whatever. I have fun, and that's what matters.

* * *

**February 18 – Play a Game**

Daddy, let's play a game

I'll be the princess

With a pretty dress and sparkly jewels

You'll pick me up and spin me round

Giggles rising from my toes

Daddy, will you tuck me in

Pray with me and kiss my head

Let me know I'll be safe tonight

Until I wake to morning's light

Daddy, please don't look that way

Brow all furrowed, dark frown on your face

Where's happy Daddy with laughing eyes?

Why's this one taken your place?

Daddy, it will me alright

Your family loves you, will be fine

I hate to see you go away

I'll try to pray these troubles away

* * *

**February 19 – Apple Tree**

I don't feel that old. Really it seems like just yesterday I was a kid. I didn't have to really worry about the future; I could just have fun. But somewhere in this spans of time I call life, myself, and the people around me, have grown up.

Take him for instance: one of my childhood best friends, a boy named Justice. He was one year older than me. I'd go to his house and play, he'd torture me with this puffer fish bath toy I was convinced was real until he'd corner me, then I'd scream bloody murder and his mother would scold him. You know, kid stuff.

He was my first real childhood crush.

We have a picture of the two of us at an apple orchard. I was three, he was four. We're walking down this dirt road, dressed for autumn. In one hand, I hold a sippy cup. In the other, I'm holding his tanner hand.

I wish I could remember this moment. I only remember bits of the maze they had for the kids there. Innocent moments like that just don't happen too often.

Justice is 22 now. He got married two years ago, I think, and they are either expecting or have their first child. I haven't seen him since I was 13.

I know I shouldn't really care, and if I did, I should be happy that he found his One. But can I just admit here on this page that I'm a little jealous? Maybe a part of me still cares for him, maybe I'm envious that he found his One while mind has yet to show his face. But anyway, when I think about all of this, I realize, despite how I feel, I am getting older.

* * *

**February 20 – Good Medicine**

I pull open the weighted door and am bombarded by a sweet wave of AC. Nothing will make you appreciate an air conditioned building more than summer sun and humidity while working outside. Ignoring the chill on my back where I'm a little sweaty, I sit down in the dilapidated couch in the atrium of the chapel. Outside the huge windows, where various spiders are weaving their homes to catch the flies that about infest the area, you can see the whole camp. The mess hall is at the bottom of the street, then the two stores on either side of the road, the cabins, and then at the crowning point the chapel. To the bottom left is the left, the bottom right, a path leading to the Nurse's, the corral, and the Laser Tag/Rock Wall building. Taking a deep breath, I sink into the seat and pull out my book, Bible, and binder.

Reading over my devotions, I smile to myself as I hear the high pitched squeals of children. They're on the slip and slide this morning. I thank God for their laughter and hearts as I continue.

Time passes, and I put away my stuff. Picking it up, I walk into the chapel: concrete floors supporting long pews on either side, ending at a stage. I place my things on the front pew, slip off my shoes, and let the iciness of the concrete seep into my body.

This is my favorite part. Now, it's just me and Him. I can't hear the kids, the AC, even the bell that will tell me when the next meal is. This is our time.

I talk to Him, pacing back and forth, laying out my heart. Sometimes I cry, other times I break out laughing. I ask Him to protect my family while I'm away, to be with my friends, to be working in these children's lives, and to protect His camp.

I stop the conversation for now and gather my things. I'll have to hurry if I want to make it to lunch on time. But this time is important. Just Him and me.

* * *

**February 21 – Impossible**

How?

How is it that despite everything that I've done

That you can still love me?

I've cursed your name

Lied and killed in my heart

Soiled my mind and soul with unclean images

I am nothing more than a tainted whore

A girl selling herself to the pleasures of the world

Praying for acceptance and a fullness

How can you still love me?

How can you take my hand and lift me from this filth?

A disgusting mire reeking of refuse

Take your own clothes to clean me off

Look at me with loving, but burdened eyes

I turned on you, ignored you

My own words and actions led to your death

Yet you treasure me like a gem, a princess, a bride

How can you love me despite all of this?


	10. Live and Learn

Hey ya'll, it's been a LONG time. So, this collection...yeah, funny story. My hard drive got wiped and I lost everything, including all the work I had done with this collection. So, no more updates, at least for this year. I'll be working on clearing my plate a bit, working on Replay again, but until next year, I'm putting this one on the back burner. Maybe views in the meantime.


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